Things I Remember of RAPE #1

  • I was at a frat party (Isla Vista)
  • I was suppose to be with my “friends” who ended up leaving me there
  • I was wearing an off the shoulder white dress that hugged my curves, with black pumps and red lipstick. My hair was long at the time. I curled it and it fell to my waist. I was feeling confident, and beautiful. Ready to have a fun night of dancing and hanging out with friends.
  • I remember being in a room. me with some friends and some of the guys from the house. We were sitting around a table, talking, smoking and drinking. I blacked out. I came out of the blacked out mind set I was in and I was leaving the room with one of my girlfriends. I blacked out again. when I awoke from this state of mind, I was in a dark room, lying on my back. the moon was shining in through the window lighting up the room, glowing on his face. I awoke to him on top of me, while I was trying to push him off, his hands gripped my arms tighter. He struggled for a moment trying to keep them down. When I tried to push him off of me, I said“ no, stop!” he kept telling me “it’s OK Lindsey, it’s ok” while he was still on top of me, holding my arms down. I don’t have the strength to keep fighting anymore, I black out again. I wake up, to the sun shining through the window lighting up the room. My dress still on, and my underwear missing. I look next to me and he is sound asleep, like nothing even happened; like he didn’t just take advantage and enter my body when I clearly said stop. I walk out of the room, down the stairs, and out of the house. My friend picks me up. I get in her car, and roll down the window. I tell her, “ He was holding my arms down and I said ‘NO,’” her response “Lindsey, that is not ok, that’s not good.” I was silent. I had no words. I couldn’t even feel; I didn’t know what to feel. I look out the window of the car, the wind is hitting my face, but I can’t feel a thing. I have fallen into an endless hole of nothingness; lost in what had happened only hours before. Not entirely sure what to feel, think or do I just respond, “I need a cigarette.” I don’t even smoke cigarettes, but it seemed to be the only thing that could come out of my mouth. I light it up, continue to look out the window as I blow the smoke out and sink into the dark space my mind has now entered. I was feeling small, numb, disgusting, gone, hopeless, afraid, lost. I finished the cigarette. That was the only time I ever wanted one.

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